Breaking News: SpaceX Spikes Prices of Portable Sat Internet, Slapping Existing Customers with $100 Premium, Limited Releases for "Elitists Only"
In a brazen cash-grab move, SpaceX announced the "Starlink Mini," a more portable (read: more expensive) iteration of its already astronomically-priced satellite internet solution. For the meager price of $599 – a hefty $100 premium on the standard "Mini" (if one can even call it a bargain to begin with) – select clients were invited to pounce on this luxury item… that one can only assume would appeal to the über- affluent set and digital nomad crowd desperate for a "discreet" backup internet setup.
Sources (aka "Insiders close to the matter," allegedly familiar with the inner workings of the interstellar behemoth that is Elon Musk’s SpaceX) privy to these shenanigans say that Starlink customers were summoned to the promise land of " affordability" to splurge $599. Want to "bundle" with an "existing service plan," you say? Sorry, folks, that magic price starts at $150/mo; ain’t got your whole day’s worth in pennies just yet to justify those precious bandwidth bytes?! Not one, but TWO gigs for $299! (Data speeds only max out @ 100 mbps, but come on! Don’t be silly!) When it comes time for delivery (July ETA, just ’round the block from, you know… Jupiter-ish distance), you gotta shell out another $20 a whack for Starlink “Mini” Roam.
Needless to say the ‘Borg (if that counts for anything amidst an imminent satellite internet uprising?) got the memo with some semblance of a guarantee of service availability, but rest assured some Starlinkies still sulk about inordinate out-of-pocket investment while incurring the monthly recurring billing – a deal in plain sight, no better (maybe worse) than renting from (those) "established telecommunications corporations"!
Will they go "rogue"? Have the "dark ages"? I mean when that Satellite network gets taxed from extra usage? Who indeed?
No doubt, the soothsay-er aka the Big G (Google)? Would ‘like’ its piece or have a "byte-sized bite" (pun most unrelentingly pious – forgive me, this humble "journal- ellite")? If ever Elon & Co made me bite the digital dust?
Let all Starlink-folks keep their grip, even w/o the tether (satellite) to home and 2.5 pd – now ’bout another satellite-strength "lonesome-ness?"
No More FOMO – Your Money, Please; Thank You!
