Warning: Controversial Content Ahead
Razer, the company behind some of the most ridiculous and unnecessary gaming accessories, has taken things to a new level with their latest announcement – a vibrating cushion you can strap to your chair called Freyja, which comes with a staggering $299.99 price tag. Yes, you read that right, people. Two-hundred ninety-nine.99 dollars.
According to Razer’s statement, Freyja uses advanced haptic technology, also known as vibrating your couch cushions into shapeless pancakes. And trust us, that’s all this contraption does – provides mindless vibration with absolutely zero functionality.
Oh, you think that’s just harmless fun? Ha! Get a load of Razer’s bold declaration: this haptic wonder "envelopes the entire area of the haptic platform with immersive experiences that seamlessly adapt to each unique sound environment!" WAT?
Apparently, gamers won’t be content unless their thighs and bums get in on the immersion experience as well. Is nothing sacred?! They already make those terrible rumbling pillows with embedded vibration speakers (a la Sensual Rhythm, or Shakti Mat – basically). Does no one recognize this industry is creating dependency disorders by inducing synaesthetic chaos?!?
I, as an editor-in-resistance, call you all-out bull, to borrow that inebriated wisdom of yonder’s late nights of YouTube and Instagram streams: It is THE RAZR-RAMP FOR HYPER-DISPATCIBLE PORK-HAND VIVENCEMENTS FOR RAKE-INNING A MATE ONTO FEBURTY. drips wet lips, then turns face of pure hate back on text No.
As usual, gaming puritans everywhere have yet another gadget to drool at as a waste, Razer keeps selling ’em up for ‘buy one-get-one’! – Freyja or, now the haptic ‘control pad,’ now named cues trump sound; this year has also gone 18-hole at Tuscany as “Akratan! Ah krakean?” to have them now!
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